A hunter kills a deer and brings it
home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy
eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little
boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad.
They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.
"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls
me." "We're eating asshole!", she screams.
," a young wife said to
her lazy husband who refused to find a job and instead just fished and hunted all the
time. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our
clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed." The husband glared over at
her as he thumbed through the Cabelas catalog, "You should be ashamed," he
agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent! TOP
A hunter was cruising alonga back country road when all
the sudden he drove into a huge mud hole right in the center of the road. Being hopelessly
stuck, he walked down the road to find help. After walking a piece down the road and he
came upon an old gent with a 4-wheel drive with a winch. When the hunter told the old gent
about his predicament, the old-timer said, "I'll pull you out, but it will cost you
$100.00." The hunter was in quite a bind and was forced to pay the old man. After he
was freed from the mud hole, the hunter complained, "At the high prices that you
charge I'm surprised you're not pulling people out of the mud full-time."
"Can't," replied the old gent. "It takes me the better part of the day to
haul water for the hole." TOP
Thousands of years ago in Europe, there was a
reigning king that was a very avid hunter. In fact he was such an avid hunter that he
passed a law banning all his subjects from hunting anywhere in his kingdom so he would
have more game for himself. His subjects were outraged by the law, as many of them were
hunters as well. They became so enraged over the their game hog-leader that they overthrew
the king ending his reign. This marked the only time in history that a reign was called
off, because of game. TOP
, the instructor picked on young
Johnny to answer a question about being lost in the woods. The instructor asked,
"Johnny, name three items that could save you should you become lost?" Johnny
confidently answered, "A compass, water and a deck of cards." "Explain your
answers?" the instructor, asked. Johnny replied, "The compass could be used to
find my way: The water would prevent dehydration." "What about the cards?"
the instructor demanded. Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is
bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black
ten!" TOP
A hunter was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to
him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent
over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said,
"If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for
one week." The hunter took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it
to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
Princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again the hunter took the
frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally the frog asked, "What
is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do
*Anything* you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The hunter said, "Look, I'm a avid
hunter and when I'm not hunting I'm fishing so I don't have time for girlfriends, but a
talking frog is really cool." TOP
A guy invites his new brother-in-law to deer camp for the
first time. Since the brother-in-law is a new hunter and doesn't really know anybody, he's
understandably a little bored. When he tries to strike up a conversation by stating,
"How about that crappy president?" He's told to be careful and that they don't
discuss politics at deer camp. When the new guy then says, "How about that new ruling
that the Pope made?" The group again cautions him that they don't discuss religion at
deer camp. When the new guy tries to tell a dirty joke, he's again lectured about keeping
it clean. He then says, "Since I can't discuss politics, religion or sex then is it
all right if we talk about mechanical stuff like wood working or tools?" The other
camp members agreed that those subjects would be all right. Hearing this, the new hunter
says, "Good, then screw you!" TOP
A rich lady from Californiawho's a tree hugger and an
anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of
the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started
to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked
her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many
splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country
doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and
then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat
and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded,
"What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get
permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of
Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area and I'm
sorry, they all turned me down." TOP
out in the wilds stumbled into a camp.
"Am I glad to see you." he said. "I've been lost for three days."
"Don't get too excited," the other hunter replied. "I've been lost for
three weeks."
What's the difference between a hunter and a
fisherman?
A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies. TOPJoe and Obie went hunting every year on opening day
of duck season. This year, they decided to borrow a neighbor's retriever, a dog named
Buck, so they wouldn't have to wade out after any birds that fell into the lake when they
shot them. They had good luck that day and bagged several plump ducks. Whenever a duck
fell into the water, either Joe or Obie would send Buck out after it. And each time the
dog went after a downed duck, he would pause momentarily at the water's edge. Then Buck
would trot calmly across the surface of the lake to retrieve the bird without ever getting
wet. This unusual performance always caused Joe and Obie to glance wide-eyed at each other
and shake their heads in wonder. At the end of the day, Joe and Obie drove back by way of
the neighbor's home to return Buck and thank the retriever's owner for the loan. "Did
the dog do a good job?" asked its owner. "Yes," said Joe, "he brought
in all the ducks that fell into the lake." "Great," said the dog's owner,
"but did you notice anything special about Buck?" "Well, we didn't want to
mention it," said Obie, "but we saw that you taught him just about everything a
dog needs to know about duck hunting, excepting how to swim." TOP
A father and his young son were in the forest hunting
deer. After hunting for a while they finally came across some deer tracks in the snow.
Among the tracks there were these little round brown droppings and the son said to his
father, "Dad, what are those?" The father replied, "Those are smart pills.
Try a couple." So the kid grabbed a couple of them and put them in his mouth. The boy
made a funny face and said to his dad, "Ewww! Yuk! They taste awful." The father
replied, "See, you're getting smarter already." TOP
A married couple went on a fishing trip. The husband went
out on the lake with his boat and equipment, while the wife took a nap in the cabin. Later
that afternoon, the husband returns to take a nap. So, the wife takes the boat to the
middle of the lake, takes out a book and starts reading. After a while a game warden comes
along in his boat and tells her that she is in a restricted fishing area. She says that
she is not fishing, just reading a book. "But, you have all this fishing equipment,
so I will have to ticket you." said the game warden. She replied, "Do that, and
I'll have you arrested for rape." "But lady! I haven't touched you!"
exclaimed the game warden. At which she replied, "Yes. But, YOU have all the right
equipment." TOP
After eating an entire bull elk, a mountain lion felt so
good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull keep your mouth shut. TOP
